Take a Beat w/ Carrie Bradshaw's Take on Instagram, My ONE (1) Style Tip, and Kty Prry's Abomination of a Song

On 7/17/24 we are treating our Instagram grid as a source of empowerment, expressing ourselves through (music-related) tee shirts, and slandering a woman's objectively shitty art.

Jul 17, 2024

Do you guys think anyone has tried to apply Carrie Bradshaw’s writing style to modern topics?

An investigation into Instagram as the quintessential dating app for millennials
The band tee is ALWAYS in.
Bits & Bobs From My Friends About K*ty P*rry’s New Single

I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

The Power Grid

I was recently at a friend’s brunch party in Bed-Stuy. At this brunch, I met a handsome older architect from the Netherlands named Derek. We spent the afternoon playing a modestly flirtatious game, him sneaking a peek at my arms, me sitting on the floor nearest him when the couch was full, him tapping my leg mid-conversation when emphasizing a point.

Right before leaving, I employed a new technique I had picked up from my fellow flirtatious singles in my outings in NYC —

“Hey Derek, what’s your Instagram?”

One hour later, and we were DM’ing and scheduling a date for the following week.

A couple weeks before that serendipitous brunch I had attended a panel comprised of LGBTQ+ dating app professionals. It was a who’s who of sexy gay product designers, cutting-edge lesbian founders, and kink-positive marketing directors.

During the panel, a VP of Marketing at Sniffies, donned in a cute, Sniffies-branded cropped cut-off tee, proclaimed to the rapt, sexually diverse crowd:

“Ten years ago it was edgy to be on Grindr, but now you wouldn’t be caught DEAD wearing their corporatized, mainstream merch.”

Which got me to thinking, in a post-IPO world, has Grindr, a historically edgy source of sexual promiscuity for millions of gay men, lots its smutty upper hand? And with gay men rejecting the tedium of Hinge and Tinder, how will the notoriously impatient gays nominate themselves for romantic candidacy?

I couldn’t help but wonder… if Sniffies is the new Grindr and Hinge and Tinder are as passé as last year’s Target Pride collection, is Instagram the new sexual playground for the gay singles of the internet age?

the amount of epiphanies I’ve had in this position…

Later I was catching up with my friend Diego about a guy named Hank he’d met during a night out at Animal, a new gay hotspot in Williamsburg that promised intimate conversations and even more intimate lighting. It was a casual and quick encounter through friends of a friend, just enough time to chat about the DJ’s not-so-eclectic mix and exchange Instagram handles.

In the next week Diego posted a few Instagram stories — a quick selfie with his dog, a tasteful Brat meme, a repost of a mid-bite shot of him caught by his friend at dinner — and Hank, like it was his goddess-given duty, had liked or swiped up on each and every one. Diego was skeptical.

“It’s like he has a crush on my Instagram account. We exchanged 50 words with no indication that he “liked” me, but now he’s “liking” every goddamn thing I post.”

Diego decided he was in no rush to chat Hank back — he’d always be able to the next time he posted a picture of his “phone eats first” meal.

The next day I made a trip to the beach with a few friends. It was a holiday, and we had completed a 2-hour trek by trains and shuttle to the hot, busy, gay beach, so we figured we’d earned ourselves a photoshoot in the glow of the Long Island sun. We treated ourselves to only the best angles, even trading out the idyllic ocean background to ensure the sunlight would hit us with utmost flattery.

Later when I got home, while I was admiring our photography, I realized it had been a while since I’d been on a good date. I considered my options — all the different apps where I could scroll through profiles, attempt to make witty responses to prompts, swipe a certain direction to indicate interest— but while I was contemplating these lousy options, I had reflexively navigated to Instagram.

In that moment, I decided to invest in myself and in my grid. If Instagram stories are the new story prompts, and swiping up is the new swiping left, then posting a thirst trap to the grid could pay off in spades in the long run.

If Instagram stories are the new story prompts, and swiping up is the new swiping left, then posting a thirst trap to the grid could pay off in spades in the long run.

I put together a photo dump, tasteful and spontaneous — save for the glaringly obvious attempt at attention in the form of a glowing beach photo in my 3-inch inseam trunks — and hit Share.

New York City’s power grid is said to be the hardest working in the world. My grid may not be at its peak power, but it just got an upgrade, and time will tell if I get a strong return on investment.

Josh’s Fashion Corner

“Oh, This Old Thing?”

I am not very fashionable. Right now, loose-fitting clothes are in, yet my pants and shirts continue to hug my skin. Aesthetic risks are applauded, and yet a large amount of my wardrobe could be described as GAP-core. We’re cropping tees at the waist… unless you are Josh Van Auken, in which case that tee is rising up close to the nips.

But you know what will ALWAYS be in? THE BAND TEE. Because by donning a band tee, you are saying "I love music". When you don a band tee, you have become an advocate, a patron of the arts. You are inviting conversation and giving yourself the opportunity to say "you should check 'em out" — one of the most satisfying things one can say to another human being.

As a bonus, they often look fucking SICK.

To further make my case, here are my top 5 band tees in my ever-expanding band tee wardrobe right now:

5. Indigo De Souza - All of This Will End Tour

Designed by the amazing singer-songwriter herself, this piece (yes, "piece") is soothing, yet confrontational. The admirer has to get close to decipher the mantras pulled from the (fantastic) album it commemorates. And once they're that close, the admirer is yours.

4. Mannequin Pussy - I Got Heaven Tour

I bought this one without realizing there was a ball gag in the angel's mouth. What a truly wonderful surprise to find out from another human being while wearing it. Also it says "PUSSY" on it which is dope.

3. Aly & AJ - a touch of the beat gets you up on your feet gets you out and then into the sun Tour

Highkey everyone should check out this very long-titled album from Disney Channel LEGENDS Aly & AJ Michalka. It’s summery, it’s easy, you’ve heard it a million times, you will be comforted.

And their graphic designer popped the fuck OFF with this one did they not?! This combo of yellow/pink/green should be studied.

2. Sweeping Promises - Good Living is Coming for You Tour

People think this one is just a cool, streetwear-style shirt, when in fact it is a cool piece of history that I bought at a fantastic band’s official album launch party in Lawrence, KS.