Take a Beat w/ Josh Van Auken's Girlie Theory
On 7/10/24, we are reveling in the power of our girlies, and we are investigating Girlie Theory through robust, scientific analysis and the sickest infographics ever committed to PNG and PDF.
NOTE: THE SCROLL BAR IS SO SMALL BECAUSE OF A SERIES OF LONG INFOGRAPHICS - DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED, BELOVED TAKE A BEATER!!!
While Take a Beat may already be on its way to a Pulitzer Prize for my groundbreaking coverage of Charli XCX’s Brat, today I will be making my case for Nobel Prize, because…
I have a THEORY. It is as follows:
The level of similarity between a listener’s taste in music and an artist’s taste in music is the largest determining factor in the listener’s enjoyment of the artist’s musical output.
I call this theory the Girlie Theory. The Girlie Theory does not necessarily say that you and your favorite artists (from here on out referred to as “girlies”) listen to the same artists, but rather that your ears/neurons/brain/pleasure centers react similarly to the same notes, instruments, melodies, vocal qualities, and other building blocks of music as the girlies you enjoy. Which probably does lead to you and your girlies listening to the same artists... an extremely cute thought that I think we can all get behind.
(BTW, I PROMISE my theory predates Chappell’s amazing rally cry, that “[she’s] your favorite artist’s favorite artist.” And I’ve got the Notes app receipts to prove it, so back off, hypothetically-litigious-Substack-scouring-Chappell!!!)
Free feature idea for some Spotify marketer out there: Spotify Girlies, where we learn which of our favorite artists’ listening habits most closely mirrors our own.
Now, The Girlie Theory is heavily dependent on the degree to which the artist is in charge of their own music-making. Are they true musical auteurs, following their ears and their ears alone to beauty, or do they let external factors like industry trends and music execs guide their artistic process? And to that end, can’t there be any number of artists/girlies who contribute to a song’s creation? Hell, Beyonce’s Renaissance, my favorite album of 2022, had an average of 3.44 writers and 5.44 producers per song!
And since the producers often guide the actual music, whereas the vocalists and songwriters often guide the vibe and lyrics, shouldn’t the producer’s contributions be considered as part of this theory?? In other words, are producers also girlies???
Introducing: The Girlie Web
To get to the bottom of Josh Van Auken’s Girlie Theory TM, I created my own personal Girlie Web. My Girlie Web is guided by and includes only artists who meet my personal definition of “girlie”, because I am but one set of brain/neurons/ears, and each person has their own unique “girlie” profile. (Please note that “girlie” is gender non-specific.) And while there are collaborations, features, and covers included in my Girlie Web, the focus is on the exploration of producers-as-girlies, so most of the web is held together by producer-girlie-based connections.
So without further ado, I present to you Josh Van Auken’s Girlie Web, the result of literal years of research, all mashed into an extensive, cute, and extensively cute infographic that shows no signs of neuroticism whatsoever.
Josh Van Auken’s Girlie Web
Will I be investigating how to print Josh’s Girlie Web, arguably my magnum opus, in large format for future (gay-leaning) gatherings? Certainly.
But this is not just a vanity project!! This is SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH! And we’re about to have some girlie breakthroughs.
The Girlie Whisperer: Ariel Rechtshaid
Running away with the Girlie Whisperer title is girlie-producer Ariel Rechtshaid with his SEVEN full girlie album production credits on Josh Van Auken’s Girlie Web (PLUS one STELLAR girlie song).
Ariel Rechtshaid has lowkey been soundtracking my life since 2013’s Modern Vampires of the City. With the follow-up Father of the Bride, Ariel and Vampire Weekend soundtracked my break-up (more on that in a future newsletter), and with Haim’s Women in Music Part III, he brought much needed fervor to my COVID lockdown.
So what is it about Ariel Rechtshaid’s girlie collaborations with my girlie artists that speak so deeply to girlie Josh?
I do not know.
The work shown in Ariel Rechtshaid’s girlie web covers…
Supercharged, synth-laden pop infused with John Hughes sentimentality (Charli XCX’s True Romance)
Maximalist, symphonic indie rock that can’t sit still for one fucking second (Vampire Weekend’s Only God Was Above Us)
Bass-driven club beats that light a fuse in your hips and soul (Kelela’s “Rewind”)
Summery, 70s-infused pop-rock that’ll have you power walking down the middle of the street (Haim)
It is Ariel Rechtshaid’s lack of a uniting production principle that all but proves my theory that artist girlies and their girlie listeners respond similarly to the same musical variables and combinations thereof. This theory will continue to be tested as Ariel crafts further albums with other fantastic girlies, and I look forward to the soundtrack he will provide for my future {{insert major life milestone/world event}} with his {{yet unknown musical and genre descriptors}} music.
Girlie on Some Freakshit: BJ Burton
With production credits on four highly experimental albums that took some of my absolute fav artist girlies into new directions, BJ Burton has more than earned his title as Girlie on Some Freakshit.
Confusion. I would describe the feeling I had during and after my very first listen to Low’s Hey What in January of 2022, seated calmly at my desk for what was certainly a boring day in Roeland Park, Kansas as simply, confusion.
Throughout the entirety of the 46-minute, 10-track album, producer BJ Burton and the band Low pummeled me with an array of sounds completely alien to my 26-year old brain. And while the rational, self-defensive part of me was saying to shut off what it perceived to be a dangerous, batshit cacophony, a much more innate, much more carnivorous part of me easily overpowered that initial instinct, keeping me glued to my AirPods, in complete rapture of the alien output, as if my life depended on seeing Low through.
Fast forward to July 10th, 2024, and Hey What by Low reigns as my favorite album of all time. When I listen to it today, I am still completely enraptured by its beautiful, cacophonous melodies and Alan Sparhawk’s and Mimi Parker’s heaven-sent harmonies. But instead of zapping me into a state of frenzied mania, Hey What unspools me into a state of deep, heart-rending peace.
Sometimes, a Freakshit Girlie can not only match your freak, but they can claw your freak out of you, never to be dormant again.
The Hitmaker Girlie: Jack Antonoff
With full girlie-production credits on 5 (mostly) girlie albums as well as some of the biggest hits of the 21st century, Jack Antonoff is undeniable as a Hitmaker Girlie.
Say what you will about Jack Antonoff, he’s made some shit you love. And while I consider Daddy’s Home and Masseduction two of St. Vincent’s lesser albums, those albums have some BANGERS. And just by being in the same studio as St. Vincent for an extended period of time you gain girlie credit.
Outside of those St. Vincent albums, his web, like Jack himself, is undeniable. He will go down in history as soundtracking EXACTLY MY MICRO-GENERATION’S transition to adulthood with Lorde’s seminal Melodrama. And he will go down in history as soundtracking EXACTLY MY MICRO-GENERATION’S most annoying traits with Lana Del Rey’s seminal Norman Fucking Rockwell.
Oh, and one final question for you — did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
I bet you did. That tunnel is now a Girlie Monument, and Jack is a ghostly girlie fixture giggling in its shadows.
The Girlies’ Girlies: Haim
Absent from diagram: Haim collaboration with Charli XCX on “Warm”, Haim song on Barbie soundtrack, Este Haim’s soundtrack work on The White Lotus and Maid, Alana’s starring role in girlie Paul Thomas Anderson’s Licorice Pizza.
Haim’s girlie levels are off the charts. First off, they are THREE separate (sister) girlies rolled into one amazing girlie group. But it doesn’t end there! On their debut album they invited fellow legendary girlie Jessie Ware to cowrite their fantastic title track. Not long after, they were cowriting and producing girlie highlight “Making the Most of the Night” on Carly Rae Jepsen’s all-time girlie album Emotion. But their girlie-ing doesn’t end there! They later appeared on Jessie’s podcast with her girlie MOTHER (literal/biological) Lennie, making a girlie podcast episode for the books.
As long as Haim lives, so does girlie-culture.
The Girlie I Miss the Most: Dave Okumu
Dave Okumu only has one full girlie album to his name on Josh Van Auken’s Girlie Web, but the album is so uniquely enchanting to the girlie listener at hand (me), that all I want is MORE of this producer girlie collaborating with my artist girlies.
Dave Okumu and Jessie Ware collaborated to make one of the most singular, enchanting, romantic, spacious, confident, coy, earnest, fabulous albums ever committed to girlie history. And while I absolutely am begging for more, even if Devotion stands as Dave’s one contribution to my girlie web, I will always be grateful, first-and-foremost.
A Blessed Girlie Cycle: Sleater-Kinney and Low
Sometimes a girlie collision can take your breath away. On Dig Me In: A Dig Me Out Covers Album, Low, the Duluth-based Mormon rocker couple, covered Sleater-Kinney’s “Dance Song ‘97” to hauntingly beautiful effect. Less than one month after the album’s release, Mimi Parker of Low passed away from a battle with cancer.
On Sleater-Kinney’s most recent tour, the riot grrrl legends played their song as covered by Low live in NYC. It was an homage to a fallen legend by way of covering the homage originally paid to their fellow legends by the fallen legend herself.
The deftest of girlie collisions result in infinitely looping reflections of the girlies involved onto each other and back onto themselves. And as a fan, you get to enter into this beautiful girlie fusion. So may our girlie webs ever grow, and us girlies right along with them.
Josh Van Auken’s (Vertical) Girlie Web
The Scrollable Girlie Web, if you will.
Doctor, doctor? No I am not calling a medical doctor, I am calling someone with a post-doc, because with this theory, you are indeed one.
Fucking ICONIC!! Will use as future reference